oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
