No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
whose ass print is on the piano?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
