If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
