Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
