omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
