Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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