OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
