I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
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