I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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