Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
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