My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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