my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
