How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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