Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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