my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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