I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
