God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
