I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
