I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Randomize
