i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
