I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
