Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
