You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
