Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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