she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
The adults are the big ones right?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
