no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Is Oprah even human
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
