I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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