i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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