I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
