if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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