lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
