Barsexuality is the new black.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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