All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
How does one acquire holy water?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Randomize
