I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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