take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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