Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
