As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
