I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Randomize
