My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
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Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
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Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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