you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
