Your dad touched me again.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
