My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
