I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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