OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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