If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
