I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
