I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
