Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
P.S. I can't hear my feet
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
