thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
