I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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