my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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