If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
