my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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