My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
