some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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